The Holidays

Growing up we didn’t have a choice. We didn’t have a say in how things went. We didn’t realize what was really happening. Birthdays were spent apart. What friends do you want to have come to your party at Mom’s house? What family members do you want to have come to Dad’s house for your party? I just wanted everyone in one house! I didn’t really see at the time that it was like that.. it almost hurts more now than it did then when I look back. Holidays were similar. But the one thing that bothered me the most was how my Dad acted about the holidays. I remember my stepmom being excited for the holidays and my Dad not having much enthusiasm. I remember seeing the disappointment in her. When I was older and they were almost divorced, she would try so hard to get him to go to events or plan holidays… “Not happening.”

I see old videos of my Dad and he was so happy hanging out with all of his family at events. What happened? Did his choices in life finally set in and cause him to feel ashamed? Ashamed to be around those who were closest? Whatever the reason, I feel it gave him a reason to settle into his poor choices even further. If he could avoid family functions, he wouldn’t have to face the pain and the hurt. He wouldn’t have to make better choices.

Me, just a little girl in her room at Mom’s townhouse.. waiting to see her daddy. So young and innocent and eager. Him at his house with his new wife.. Knowing he isn’t going to change and continuing his life. Me totally naïve and hopeful.

Every year he has even less interest in events and time with us. It’s like I’m losing him but he’s still alive. As I get older and wiser, I realize the importance of every day. The importance of every moment, every person and every holiday. It all is so much more fragile and special- the gift of life. The time we have here. I shouldn’t need to convince my Dad of this.

I was speaking to him on the phone for a brief moment and I mentioned that I am hosting my first ever Thanksgiving for us. For a girl, coming from a broken family, it is a pretty huge deal to even be able to have family come over. Holidays are what I look forward to because it’s the only time I feel like there is some completeness. I get emotional just thinking about it. It’s all I really want. So I was telling him how my stepmom, mom, and brother will be coming and he says “most people would get all pouty about that and feel bad hearing that but for me it makes me happy thinking of all of you getting along and being together.”

Honestly, no shocker there coming from him! But it makes me very angry to hear this. I told him, ” yep she (my stepmom) has taken the place of my Dad!” Of course he thought that was the funniest thing. I said it with a straight face. Not funny to me. Not at all. As my entire life flashes before my eyes and he is laughing about it. It just…isn’t right. Does your 1st ex wife really want to be at her daughter’s house celebrating Thanksgiving with the woman you left her for? Can’t you see how awful the whole situation is? Your daughter is left to include and take care of your ex wife because she has no one now. You’re just okay with that? You should be there! You should be at that table dressed nicely and enjoying the nice meal your daughter and son-in-law have cooked.

I was robbed of memories. I was robbed of what it would look like- I was robbed of what a family looks like. I was robbed of seeing how a husband interacts with his wife. I was robbed of what Holidays would be like together. I was robbed of the compliments my parents would give me together over how good of a cook I am. I was robbed of seeing you two show up together and leave together. Why is it so weird of me to want those things? I honestly can’t even picture and imagine what that would be like. Something so basic that my husband can think of in half a second of his parents-I cannot.

I will enjoy this Thanksgiving. I just think it unbelievable that he still cannot even see…

The Road Less Traveled

I was talking to my friend about her depression and how she feels like life has no point. I told her how we have to fill our calendar with some good things and make it a point to do them or else it feels like there is no point in life. If we constantly are doing chores and working- and for me- taking care of my son and cleaning and cooking, we feel as though there really is no light at the end of the tunnel and there is no real purpose. I am all about seeing life as a whole. Trying to see that there is more in this world than just sitting on the couch watching show after show for years and years. Don’t get me wrong, I am a sucker for some good shows…it’s actually how I like to unwind. But! There is just more to life than that. I can see how people feel like there is no point when we aren’t making a point to make life have a point! It’s interesting.. there are times when I get so carried away with being a wife and mom and keeping the house in order and eventually I break down. Minutes, hours, days and weeks go by and I am so swallowed up in the routine and it breaks me. Why? Because I have this urge and desire for more. For living to see the world and explore and find even more happiness. Happiness is what you make it but I don’t think you need to put a cap on it.
When I was a little girl, I dreamed big. Yes, I did typical little girl things and played in my room with my dolls but I had a broader outlook on life even back then. I always felt a desire for more. I felt like there was more out there to actually DO. It was almost like I felt I was in this time capsule just trapped in this time having to live those moments so slowly and yet aware that there was much more to life. I kept going. I kept going to school and being tormented by boys and all that middle school years had to offer… But I would smirk as I looked around me at everyone who was so caught up in the now and I’d think, how small we are in this bigger scheme of things.
Why is it that we feel we must convince people in our lives to see that there is more. More potential. More to see. More to do.  I am constantly feeling like I have to prove that to those in my life. Why must I prove to someone that the businesses I want to start are worthy? Why is it that I have to convince someone to travel with me? Why is it that I have to show people there are other ways… maybe less conventional and less traveled… Am I not worthy of trust? Perhaps can’t these people just take me for my word and just believe me? And maybe I don’t need to be believed! Why do I care so much in order to just do something I want to do??

The choice you make

Our lives are full of choices. Anything you want your life to be, it can be! That’s a big load to swallow. There’s a lot of pressure that comes with that realization. Sometimes I just want to skate on by through life. Then there’s other times when all I want is to be in the moment..seizing the moment! Seize the day! Often times I feel so overwhelmed to fulfill all my dreams and goals. I wonder..am I doing enough? Am I truly seizing the day? So many decisions in the blink of an eye!

I want to write a book. I’d like it to be about what happened to me while I was pregnant and the birth of my son. Itd be based on the lies and an opening to the truth about the medical field. How they take advantage of pregnant women and threaten them for their gain and profit.

Id like to own a horse. Id like to work for a small family farm with horses. I’d like to learn the ropes again of caring for a horse and riding.

I want to live on the ocean or at least have a beach home. (Maybe I would settle for being able to travel to tropical places several times a year) The main reason is for my seasonal depression. There’s something the ocean gives me that I can’t describe. It is truly such an amazing gift from God. So much beauty and serenity.

I’d like to take voice lessons and sing with my uncle and record an album.

I’d like to be an actress and make movies.

I’d like to have enough money to be able to afford a helper with the house and kids. Enough to be able to buy the house we want that doesn’t need so much upkeep. To be able to go to Homegoods and buy some pretty things. A house big enough and nice enough to throw some nice family/friend gatherings.

I really want to open up a fast food joint that is healthy. I have a bunch of ideas for it. My husband thinks there is no demand for it in the suburbs. I think he is wrong.  There are a lot of people in the burbs who are like me. Who struggle with getting healthy meals on the table for their family. People who have health problems and need to stick to a strict eating regimen need these options. Why else would there be so many whole foods and trader joes and co ops offering organic and healthy options? I’m all up on that ish and I wish there were more options! I am not the only one! Clearly. And also! A lot of people eat junk food and fast food because it is convenient and easy, not because they really want to. He also says we would need a million dollars to run something like that…

Most of all I want my health. I want my body back. My beautiful skin and full head of hair. My pain free body.

Will I ever have any of these things..? Am I truly living to my fullest potential?

 

Only time will tell….Only God knows these answers.

I hope some day you’ll see

The pain you’ve caused my mom.. The way you tore us apart.

The hell you put us through. The pain my brother had to endure at the age of three while he comforted his mom..your wife. That was your job to be there.

The lies and stories and hate I had to endure my whole childhood. It was a warzone and I was the border between two countries.

The sadness. The anger. The yelling. The loneliness.

These things happened. This was MY LIFE. You always try to deny that. Like it wasn’t THAT bad.

Tell me again I don’t know you. Tell me again  that I’m letting your choices affect me too much. Tell me you knew what you were doing all those years and you were okay with it.

You’ve never acknowledged that you put me through hell and I STILL stood by your side and loved you. I never really confronted you on all the pain it caused me. I never really told you what it was like.

You’re dating a 21 year old and I am supposed to act as if all is well?

As if… my mom isn’t still broken and alone. As if none of that ever happened. As if none of those decisions of yours ever affected us. I’m just supposed to be “happy that you’re happy” and not care that you’re making a bad decision, once again?

No, you just think it’s all about you! You think it shouldn’t matter what you do and it’s not up to anyone else. That no one should care and no one is the boss of you.  Well, some of that is true. Some of it… like that no one is the boss of you. But you should care how your decisions affect your children.

It reminds me of when people try and say,”it’s ok for me to drink and smoke in front of my kids, it doesn’t affect them and they don’t care.” Well… yes…they do care and they do see. They’re always learning and always picking up behaviors from those around them. These are the same people who say it’s ok for their friend to offer them some drugs. You being offered something is going to have an effect on you. You may feel pressured to do the drug because it is your friend offering it. You may never have thought of doing the drug but because it was offered, you feel the need to do it. You may be an addict in recovery.  Tell me again how your actions don’t have a reaction in others?  They do. Period. No one is the boss of anyone but you should have enough heart to realize how things are going to affect those you love. Whether it’s your child, your friend, your spouse, you should care!

Does this mean we’re always going to please everyone? No. Does it mean no one is ever going to be offended by a decision you make? No. But when it comes to someone’s wellbeing, their future and their life, you should consider how much of an impact your actions will make on them.

Dad, I hope you’re still saying your nightly prayers. I hope your soul is changing. I hope one day you find this “perfect” life you’ve always been searching for. I hope you find your peace.

My Son

I look at my son and I feel so much love. This isn’t about the love a mother feels “so instantly” with their child. This is the type of love I am comparing to the love my parents give me. Now that I am a parent, I see things so, so differently. It’s actually much easier to judge your parents once you become one yourself. People always say, “just wait until you become a parent, then you’ll see”. And it’s true! I see. But I don’t see what they were always implying. I actually see that you better work damn hard. You better put that baby first above all other things. You better show them how much they mean and you do all of this for their own good. You do it for their future. Because guess what… everything you do, or don’t do, shapes them more than you’ll ever know.

It’s so funny actually… I look at how I interact and handle my own son and I realize… Behind every action, I am considering his feelings and his days ahead. When he asks me a question and I am so tired and don’t want to even answer, I think to myself, he’s waiting..sitting there waiting so patiently for MY answer. ME. No one else. I am his whole world right now. I determine in this moment how he is going to react. I could ignore him and that would have a reaction of sadness or rejection or disappointment. I could respond with the word no and he will have a tantrum and so on and so on. Everything I do will cause a reaction in him. How did I get so lucky? How did I get this big of a responsibility? One so big that it completely controls someone else’s happiness and well being? It is just nuts to think about. A lot of the time it is such a big job that it is almost too much. It almost breaks me. It is a lot of pressure! It’s the most difficult job and the reason is because I care. If I didn’t care, it would be a piece of cake. A walk in the park! Kick back and do what I please and when and where-all the time!

So what was all of my suffering for? Why am I still being influenced negatively by my own parents? What is the reasoning or purpose of all of my pain. Why did I have to go through all of that and continue to? Was it so that I could learn from their mistakes and do it better for my own? I’m not so sure. But what I do know is this… I’m not going to stop loving my boy. I am not going to throw in the towel once he hits 18. I’m not going to ignore his feelings, opinions and well being because he’s an adult. Parenthood doesn’t stop at 18 and no child no matter what age should have to BEG their father to spend time with them. Or BEG their dad to listen to them. All of this has only caused me to love my son more. It actually has brought me closer to him. It’s like my own sadness has caused me to exuberate love. I look at my boy while he’s playing or sitting there and my eyes fill with tears. It’s like I am picturing myself in his little body and how I would want my daddy to love me. So my eyes fill with tears and I reach out and smooch him all over until he bursts into laughter.

 

What it does…

Growing up I was always a little fearful. It was almost like a black cloud over me yet I could see the beautiful blue sky beyond it. At night in my mother’s townhouse I was scared. It was lonely. That dark cloud would grow bigger as night surrounded us. I remember feeling uneasy. This wasn’t due to anything my mom had done or not done. It had nothing to do with my brother either. As I grow older, I see what it was.  It was the brokenness. It was the lack of family. It was the three of us but mostly my mom. She was alone and I felt like I was on the outside looking in.

I would have nightmares. I still do. Reoccurring nightmares. After struggling for what seemed like many years, I finally told my mom that I was seeing things. I saw shadows at night. I would often crawl into my brothers room so he wouldn’t see me and I would lay there without a pillow or blanket, so desperate for comfort and safety. Being the bigger brother, he would drag me out by my legs or hair and put me back in my room. He didn’t realize how afraid I was. Eventually, my parents brought me to a therapist of some sort. I wasn’t told why we were there. I must have been around eight years old at the time. The therapist called my parents in when we were done and I remember her saying “all is well, nothing to worry about. She is completely normal”.

When we left the room, my dad got so excited and said to me, ” Oh good! I knew there was nothing wrong with you!!” and sighed a big sigh of relief. What an interesting thing to say to your daughter. As if to say..if there was something wrong, that wouldn’t be okay? But there was something wrong! I was still having the nightmares and I was still seeing the shadows. That was where they left it. I never got an explanation or figured it out.

The world around me made a big impact on me. I was a very self aware, smart, emotionally intelligent little girl. Always listening and observing. I was quiet and reserved. I loved to blast Enya over and over in my room. My passion for music and writing started at a very young age. It was my escape and my happiness.

I’ve had anxiety as long as I can remember. I never knew what ‘anxiety’ meant or had never really heard of it until I was in high school. My dad said he remembers seeing it in me as early as age four. Worried about others and their opinions. Worried about school and boys. Heck, I even used to have talks with my dad about his finances. I would worry he wouldn’t have enough money to pay my mom child support. I was just a kid and I hardly let myself be one. Always trying to pick up the pieces. Always trying to be the peacemaker. I felt it was my responsibility. I always stuck around because I thought that was what family did.

They might not see it. They might not believe it. But I think this was all caused by their divorce. Sure, I’m sure it was never in their plan to get divorced. Sure, they probably didn’t want it to happen that way. But it did and there are reactions to every action. I was affected by their decision. Is it my place to say it was their fault or his fault or her fault and make all these assumptions and judgement? No. But what is my place to say is how I was affected. What happened affected me! And it is still affecting me. No, I do not see the shadows anymore. I just don’t look for them. I’ve tried from a young age to keep moving forward. I try to not dwell and focus on the things that scare me. This divorce, however, is still with me to this day. My dad’s actions still affect me to this day. I have forgiven him for leaving my mother. I have chosen to have a relationship with him regardless of his past because he is my father and I love him. But that does not mean his actions do not affect me. That does not mean he can just do whatever he pleases and it will have no reaction from me. It sure as hell doesn’t mean that because I am an adult and have my own children that he is done being a parent. That right there is his biggest misconception.

Actions and Reactions

I’m here to write. To get it all off my chest. Out of my bones. I can’t hold it in any longer.

Some are raised to believe their actions only effect their own lives. Others, like myself, see that not only does every action have a reaction but also; every action has a consequence.

No I am not perfect. No, I don’t expect others to be. I’m just here to tell it like it is. To speak the truth and put it all out there.

I am no coward.

Dear Dad…

Where to begin…  Ahhh yes.. You’re dating a 21 year old. You’re in your mid 60’s. I am 28. I am your youngest daughter. Your youngest child.

Yes… this is where we will begin. Let’s begin the pain. Let’s dive right in. Into the hurt, the deceit, the highs and the lows. Let’s get into the torture you have put me through. And let’s not end at you telling me that “I am letting it affect me too much.”

I don’t know what newborn would ask for their parents to split. I don’t know what parent would, 28 years later, tell their child that leaving their mother for another woman was bad but this isn’t near as bad.  As if to say- I should ignore the pain and torment that caused because now you’re with a girl (child in my mind) younger than me. Yes… this is so much better! You not only left my mother but you ended up with someone younger than me!!!!! Cue the applause.

I’ve always been your biggest supporter. Even though I didn’t know you cheated on my mom when I was about to be born. Even though you put me in the middle of you and my stepmom all the time. Even though I felt you were choosing her over us..Our family and my mom. Me. I still remained your biggest fan. You were my world. I am as deep of a person I am because of you. We got each other. I looked up to you. You set rules mom didn’t. You were strict and you held me accountable. You taught me to be cautious and you taught me awareness. My morals and beliefs came from you.

We had E.S.P

We had a connection no one understood.

We laughed so hard at each other.

One look is all it took.

“You don’t really know me. If you only knew. You’re just older now so you see me differently and I am the same as I always was.”  Oh yes… let’s take away our entire life together with a few words. Cause I never knew you back then because I was just a child, right?  But wait, if you’ve been such an awful person all your life, then why are you saying I am wrong when I say you’re making an awful decision right now?

Do not take away what we were. Do not take away what we had. Do not try to erase the good in you and who you were.

For the passed 6 years I have had countless arguments with you. I am so sick of your codependency and these women you choose. Why are they better than me? Why are they more important? What about them is so special.. What is better than spending time with your daughter and grandson?

I will never understand a person who doesn’t have time for their own child.